That Night – Chapter 1

23 May

Chapter 1  – Matches

“You forgot the matches, of all things, the matches,” whispered Andrew nervously as he creeped forward, his belly pressed to the ground like a sports car to a race track. With eager heels we waited, our breath held back, for fear that they’d see us. How did I end up in this mess? What possibly brought me to do this? The blood was everywhere, escape seemed impossible.

I was just a lonely, quiet man who read books and went about his business from day to day. I didn’t have the makings of a killer or a thief. No history of drugs, no secret addictions or sadistic cults. I was an average Joe, full of ambition, dreams and a whole lot of nothing. So what brought me here. To tell you this I’d need to start at the beginning. I’d have to take you back to a time that I was sane.

The line between insanity and sanity is a mirror, one look at the other side and you can see yourself. Insanity was never a large leap for me; it was a part of me all along.

I was a stock broker from a small town who spent his days working the markets and trying to get by. I had a family, wife, children, beautiful, all of them. I had the house, the car and everything a man could want. I was living the dream.

In most stories you’d expect me to say something like, “That was until the day…” However there was no day for me, one could say I went to bed one man and awoke another. Perhaps I’d spent too long staring into the mirror when I should have looked away.

This morning I woke up as normal, ate my breakfast, drank my tea, kissed my wife and left for work. I had no idea I wouldn’t be home for a while. At least not by my own will.


Posted by on May 23, 2011 in Book1, Prose, That Night


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4 responses to “That Night – Chapter 1

  1. jeanlab

    May 23, 2011 at 5:34 pm

    Vote for your favorite between this book and this one:

    If you don’t understand then read this post, it describes what I’m doing with these posts.

    Thanks:) Your participation and reading means a lot.

  2. forgetting.forgotten

    May 23, 2011 at 6:15 pm

    you should consider sticking to one tense in the first paragraph. “the blood was everywhere” and “whispered Andrew nervously as he creeped forward” are in the past, the rest in the present. so watch out for that.
    creeped should be crept.
    “With eager heals we wait our breath held back for fear that they’d see us.” needs some punctuation. That will help build the tension. and should heals be heels?
    You might also like to put a semicolon in place of the comma in “insanity was never a large leap for me, it was a part of me all along.”

    but it’s intriguing.
    the style you’ve chosen to narrate in is great.

    • jeanlab

      May 23, 2011 at 7:02 pm

      Thanks:) Changes made

  3. scream911

    May 27, 2011 at 9:29 am

    LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!!!! Encouraging me to start getting to the book I’ve always wanted to write!

    Seeing as forgetting.forgotten already broke the ice, if you are open to suggestions in terms of editing, this is what I’d do:

    “I was just a lonely [comma] quiet man” and capitalise “average Joe”

    Incredible! Can’t wait for Chapter 2!


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